You Know You're a Teacher When...

1. You can make up toys and games on the spot, out of nothing, or out of anything.

2. You believe the government should administer intelligence tests before allowing reproduction.

3. You have programmed yourself to say sweetie or honey instead of ..@?!!*@?

4. You have graduate credits from 8 different universities (from all the conferences, workshops
and continuing education)

5. You have a hard time choosing a name for your child that doesn’t have negative associations.

6. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.

7. You find humor in other people’s stupidity.

8. You want to slap the next person who says “Must be nice to work 8 to 3.”

9. You believe “Shallow gene pool” should have its own box in the report card.

10. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says “The kids sure are mellow
today.

11. You have no life between August and June.

12. When you mention “Vegetables” you’re not talking about a food group.

13. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

14. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

15. You believe in aerial Prozac spraying.

16. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

17. Meeting a child’s parent instantly answers the question “Why is this kid like this?”

18. You believe 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm.

19. You believe a good tape job will fix anything.

20. You have the bladder capacity of five normal people.

21. You can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio in parents.

22. Your idea of a good time is a parent showing up unannounced, especially when the parent
has a low tooth to tattoo ratio.

23. You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see.

24. When a parent asks to meet with you and presents with a list of medical problems for their child you automatically assume they’re crazy and their child is lazy.

25. Your idea of comforting a child is to place them in a papoose restraint.

26. Your diet often consists of food that has undergone more processing than most computers.

27. When a parent calls you a bastard, you take it as a compliment.

28. You believe that “Too Stupid to Live” should be a report card category.

29. You’ve had to leave a parent meeting before you began laughing uncontrollably.