Can you check to make sure my child wrote down their homework? (Sure, in a 50 minute class with 30 students, that’s a very practical request for a 13/14 year old. No problem, I would be more than enthused to check if there’s still brown on the paper.)
My child was absent, can you email me the homework? (Um, you obviously have Internet access, but apparently you’re too f’ing lazy to read the website that I’ve taken an abundant amount of time to create for your convenience, as well as for your child’s convenience. Of course, I’d be happy to email you a link to my website because I don’t have a million other things to do in addition to compensating for your laziness. I’ll be more than happy to do so, please tell me at what time your family sits down at the table for Morse Code.)
The online grade book indicates that my child has missing work. My child told me that they have done all of that work. (Ok, I’m obviously the liar here because you’re child always tells the truth. They aren’t really missing 10 assignments, I’m just out to get them. You are correct…I also completely believed your child when he/she told me that Uncle Bubba was the man on the Grassy Knoll.)
I can’t afford to send in 5 dollars for the required novel. (Really? That’s interesting since your kid wears 200 dollar sneakers to school.)
My child struggles in English, can you please motivate him? Oh, and he’ll be out of school this week due to the release of “Halo.” (No worries…I’ll start teaching Spanish…and once again, you are correct…because I remember in 1981 my dad gave me a week off to play Pac-Man high on mushrooms while he sat behind me and held a hooker at gunpoint.)
My child has been diagnosed with A.D.D., can you please provide him/her some individual attention until I can get the federally mandated 504 accommodations? (Um, I have 125 students, I’m emailing you daily and sending you weekly progress reports. You should know that you will receive even less legally. I have the solution. I have the serum to fix that. It’s called S.U.B.T.R.A.C.T. )
My child is overwhelmed by the amount of homework because it interferes with his/her swimming lessons, dance lessons, gymnastics, cheerleading, piano lessons, athletic events, church, and therapy. (Again, you are correct. I need to cut down on homework anyhow because of the groups I’m involved with. It’s difficult to give assignments when you’re playing Naked Laser Tag while feeding The Unemployed Porn Stars of the 70s Union , shaving dog’s asses for FUN, eating squirrel turds for charity, and serving as President for The Foundation for Making Farts Smell Like Lemons…oh, and I also spend a great deal of my time counting raisins for cancer. OK, just tell me what grade you would like for them to have…you’re the one who’ll have to pay their rent when they are 35, not me.)
I emailed you this morning at 10am. It’s now 10:07 and I still haven’t received a response from you. (You’re right, because of your insight I have rented an electric dog collar where you can now shock me the moment you press “send”…and out of pain alone, my reply will come back within seconds, but I apologize for the typos due to damaged nerve endings in my fingers.)
My child received an 80 on their last test. After review, I feel that my child should have received a 100. (Now, in retrospect…I do remember in 1978 my parents entered me in the “I’m a Perfect Child Contest.” I scored a 98 and lost…but my dad handed a note to the judge about my credentials and oddly enough, Jimmy Carter called me in my third grade class to say, “now, you’re president.”
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