Tuesday, October 23, 2007
The Impotence of Proofreading
Has this ever happened to you?
You work very, very horde on a paper for English clash
And still get a very glow raid (like a D or even a D=)
and all because you are the liverwurst spoiler in the whale wide word
Yes, Proofreading your peppers is a matter of the the utmost impotence.
This is a problem that affects manly, manly students all over the word.
I myself was such a bed spiller once upon a term
that my English torturer in my sophomoric year,
Mrs. Myth, she said I would never get into a good colleague.
And that¹s all I wanted, that's all any kid wants at that age
just to get into a good colleague.
Not just anal community colleague,
because I wouldn¹t be happy at just anal community colleague.
I really need to be challenged, challenged menstrually
I needed a place that would offer me intellectual simulation,
I know this makes me sound like a stereo,
but I really wanted to go to an ivory legal colleague.
So if I did not improvement
or gone would be my dream of going to Harvard, Jail, or Prison
(in Prison, New Jersey).
So I got myself a spell checker
and figured I was on Sleazy Street.
But there are several missed aches
that a spell chukker can¹t can¹t catch catch.
For instant, if you accidentally leave out word
your spell exchequer won¹t put it in you.
And God for billing purposes only
you should have serial problems with Tori Spelling
your spell Chekhov might replace a word
with one you had absolutely no detention of using.
Because what do you want it to douch?
It only does what you tell it to douche.
You¹re the one with your hand on the mouth going clit, clit, clit.
It just goes to show you how embargo
one careless little clit of the mouth can be.
Which reminds me of this one time during my Junior Mint.
The teacher took the paper that I had written on A Sale of Two Titties
No I'm cereal, I am cereal
she read it out loud in front of all of my assmates.
It was the most humidifying experience of my life,
being laughed at pubically.
So do yourself a flavor and follow these two Pisces of advice:
One: There is no prostitute for careful editing.
And three: When it comes to proofreading,
the red penis your friend.
Spank you
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Top Ten Ways to be the Best Teacher Ever
This is everything the PRAXIS doesn't prepare you for and no college course could ever teach, but that every administrator/superintendent expects of you.
10. Smile and nod. (Applicable to parents, administrators, and people in the hall you don’t know.)
9. Don’t give homework. If you do, make sure its something you can grade in class.
8. You must stay at school until 6pm. If not, it will appear as if you are resting on your laurels.
7. Compliance training is ok to fail. You can take the test again.
6. Be available for tutorials as much as possible. Be mindful to work around duty days, department meetings, CLT, mentor meetings, faculty meetings, new teacher breakfast, student recognition assemblies, and emergency meetings about scanning your organs.
5. Follow the curriculum plan and cover it with quality, engaging lessons. But be flexible enough to allow time for fire drills, lockdown drills, pep rallies, anti-bullying assemblies, fundraisers, teacher trainings, and Bus Emergency Day.
4. Find places to multitask. For example: Your 25 minute lunch period, on your way to an ARD, passing periods, meetings, during quality time with your significant other, driving, Thanksgiving, X-Mas, and Spring Break, and during staff development days.
3. Within the 4 minute passing period be able to: set up for next period, monitor the hall, enforce classroom procedures, assist needy students, and use the restroom.
2. Be a technology whiz, so at any given moment so you can e-mail updated to the second grades and disseminate tutorial schedules, calendar, homework, and announcements through the website. Know that this information will only be utilized by 3 parents. All others will directly contact you.
1. Be able to deliver a top notch staff development presentation to already quality teachers knowing full well there are people out there presenting the same information and getting paid more money than yourself.
10. Smile and nod. (Applicable to parents, administrators, and people in the hall you don’t know.)
9. Don’t give homework. If you do, make sure its something you can grade in class.
8. You must stay at school until 6pm. If not, it will appear as if you are resting on your laurels.
7. Compliance training is ok to fail. You can take the test again.
6. Be available for tutorials as much as possible. Be mindful to work around duty days, department meetings, CLT, mentor meetings, faculty meetings, new teacher breakfast, student recognition assemblies, and emergency meetings about scanning your organs.
5. Follow the curriculum plan and cover it with quality, engaging lessons. But be flexible enough to allow time for fire drills, lockdown drills, pep rallies, anti-bullying assemblies, fundraisers, teacher trainings, and Bus Emergency Day.
4. Find places to multitask. For example: Your 25 minute lunch period, on your way to an ARD, passing periods, meetings, during quality time with your significant other, driving, Thanksgiving, X-Mas, and Spring Break, and during staff development days.
3. Within the 4 minute passing period be able to: set up for next period, monitor the hall, enforce classroom procedures, assist needy students, and use the restroom.
2. Be a technology whiz, so at any given moment so you can e-mail updated to the second grades and disseminate tutorial schedules, calendar, homework, and announcements through the website. Know that this information will only be utilized by 3 parents. All others will directly contact you.
1. Be able to deliver a top notch staff development presentation to already quality teachers knowing full well there are people out there presenting the same information and getting paid more money than yourself.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Parent/Teacher Conferences
The caption would be better if it read, "Your child is a pain in the ass." Wait, even better (and more appropriate..."You (the stupid parents) are a pain in the ass." The parents who aren't a pain in the ass are the parents of the children who hand in their homework on time, study for quizzes/tests, follow instructions, are respectful, and on and on. Funny how those parents never complain. I wonder why? Oh, maybe it's because they want their children to learn? Maybe it's because they make their children accountable for their own actions and for their own learning? Maybe because it's because they don't want to pay their child's rent/bills when their child is 35?
Doofus
Me: It's nice to meet you Mr. and Mrs. Parent. Allow me to introduce the team to you....
Me: We are meeting today because you are concerned about Doofus.
Parents: Yes, we want to know when the school is going to do something for our son.
Me: Can you please tell me exactly what you want?
Parents: Yes, we want some special accommodations for our son's ADD. He has ADD for crying out loud.
Me: We are emailing you daily with updates, providing you with weekly progress reports, and allowing extended time on assignments. We have 125 students on our team. No other student or parent receives daily updates from us regarding grades or missing assignments. All data...including benchmarks, state standardized tests, reading level tests, etc. indicate that Doofus consistently performs above grade level. We are providing accommodations appropriate for a diagnosis of ADD.
Parents: Those tests are crap.
Me: Um, ok. Well, again please let me ask you what you would like from us.
Parents: We want to know what you're going to do for our son. We are worn out.
Me Thinking: (So really you want us to rear your son for you because you're tired...)
Parents: We want an action plan.
Me: Ok, first...let's go over some of Doofus' work. As you can see on this writing assignment Doofus did not write a final draft. His rough draft and final draft are exactly the same, word for word. I returned the assignment to him and asked that he re-submit his final draft after some revisions. I explained what revisions he should make and how to make those revisions effectively. Yet, he handed in a third copy...with the first two copies and again, the assignment was exactly the same word for word.
Parents: And how am I supposed to know this? You never called me to say that the rough draft and the final draft should be different!!! I saw that he did the assignment, but if you don't tell me that they're supposed to be different then how do you expect me to know this?
Me: Well Mrs. Parent, all assignments are posted on my web site with instructions.
Parent: I don't have time for that. You should have emailed that information to me.
Me: I don't have time to email something to you when it's already on my web site. I'm sorry.
Me: We are meeting today because you are concerned about Doofus.
Parents: Yes, we want to know when the school is going to do something for our son.
Me: Can you please tell me exactly what you want?
Parents: Yes, we want some special accommodations for our son's ADD. He has ADD for crying out loud.
Me: We are emailing you daily with updates, providing you with weekly progress reports, and allowing extended time on assignments. We have 125 students on our team. No other student or parent receives daily updates from us regarding grades or missing assignments. All data...including benchmarks, state standardized tests, reading level tests, etc. indicate that Doofus consistently performs above grade level. We are providing accommodations appropriate for a diagnosis of ADD.
Parents: Those tests are crap.
Me: Um, ok. Well, again please let me ask you what you would like from us.
Parents: We want to know what you're going to do for our son. We are worn out.
Me Thinking: (So really you want us to rear your son for you because you're tired...)
Parents: We want an action plan.
Me: Ok, first...let's go over some of Doofus' work. As you can see on this writing assignment Doofus did not write a final draft. His rough draft and final draft are exactly the same, word for word. I returned the assignment to him and asked that he re-submit his final draft after some revisions. I explained what revisions he should make and how to make those revisions effectively. Yet, he handed in a third copy...with the first two copies and again, the assignment was exactly the same word for word.
Parents: And how am I supposed to know this? You never called me to say that the rough draft and the final draft should be different!!! I saw that he did the assignment, but if you don't tell me that they're supposed to be different then how do you expect me to know this?
Me: Well Mrs. Parent, all assignments are posted on my web site with instructions.
Parent: I don't have time for that. You should have emailed that information to me.
Me: I don't have time to email something to you when it's already on my web site. I'm sorry.
(The idiom, "The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From the Tree" seems to apply here. What idiot doesn't know, or can't figure out, the purpose of a rough and final draft???)However, I would be happy to explain the difference between a written rough draft and a final draft. I'll include that information in the action plan.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Latest and Greatest Parent Requests
Can you check to make sure my child wrote down their homework? (Sure, in a 50 minute class with 30 students, that’s a very practical request for a 13/14 year old. No problem, I would be more than enthused to check if there’s still brown on the paper.)
My child was absent, can you email me the homework? (Um, you obviously have Internet access, but apparently you’re too f’ing lazy to read the website that I’ve taken an abundant amount of time to create for your convenience, as well as for your child’s convenience. Of course, I’d be happy to email you a link to my website because I don’t have a million other things to do in addition to compensating for your laziness. I’ll be more than happy to do so, please tell me at what time your family sits down at the table for Morse Code.)
The online grade book indicates that my child has missing work. My child told me that they have done all of that work. (Ok, I’m obviously the liar here because you’re child always tells the truth. They aren’t really missing 10 assignments, I’m just out to get them. You are correct…I also completely believed your child when he/she told me that Uncle Bubba was the man on the Grassy Knoll.)
I can’t afford to send in 5 dollars for the required novel. (Really? That’s interesting since your kid wears 200 dollar sneakers to school.)
My child struggles in English, can you please motivate him? Oh, and he’ll be out of school this week due to the release of “Halo.” (No worries…I’ll start teaching Spanish…and once again, you are correct…because I remember in 1981 my dad gave me a week off to play Pac-Man high on mushrooms while he sat behind me and held a hooker at gunpoint.)
My child has been diagnosed with A.D.D., can you please provide him/her some individual attention until I can get the federally mandated 504 accommodations? (Um, I have 125 students, I’m emailing you daily and sending you weekly progress reports. You should know that you will receive even less legally. I have the solution. I have the serum to fix that. It’s called S.U.B.T.R.A.C.T. )
My child is overwhelmed by the amount of homework because it interferes with his/her swimming lessons, dance lessons, gymnastics, cheerleading, piano lessons, athletic events, church, and therapy. (Again, you are correct. I need to cut down on homework anyhow because of the groups I’m involved with. It’s difficult to give assignments when you’re playing Naked Laser Tag while feeding The Unemployed Porn Stars of the 70s Union , shaving dog’s asses for FUN, eating squirrel turds for charity, and serving as President for The Foundation for Making Farts Smell Like Lemons…oh, and I also spend a great deal of my time counting raisins for cancer. OK, just tell me what grade you would like for them to have…you’re the one who’ll have to pay their rent when they are 35, not me.)
I emailed you this morning at 10am. It’s now 10:07 and I still haven’t received a response from you. (You’re right, because of your insight I have rented an electric dog collar where you can now shock me the moment you press “send”…and out of pain alone, my reply will come back within seconds, but I apologize for the typos due to damaged nerve endings in my fingers.)
My child received an 80 on their last test. After review, I feel that my child should have received a 100. (Now, in retrospect…I do remember in 1978 my parents entered me in the “I’m a Perfect Child Contest.” I scored a 98 and lost…but my dad handed a note to the judge about my credentials and oddly enough, Jimmy Carter called me in my third grade class to say, “now, you’re president.”
Guns, Germs, and Steel
From the book, Guns, Germs, and Steel; (Guns, Germs and Steel was initially subtitled The Fates of Human Societies. Within a few months, this subtitle had evolved into (A Short History of Everybody for the Last 13,000 Years)...- Page 248 explains the QWERTY keyboard as such: "…[the keyboard] employs a whole series of perverse tricks designed to force typists to type as slowly as possible, such as scattering the most common letters over all keyboard rows and concentrating them on the left side (where right-handed people have to use their weaker hand). The reason behind all those seemingly counterproductive features is that the typewriters of 1873 jammed if adjacent keys were struck in quick succession, so that manufactures had to slow down typists." Then it goes on to say we could double our typing speed and lower our efforts by 95% but the QWERTY keyboard has been so ingrained that after 60 or so years (since the improved one was invented) we still use old QWERTY.
You Know You're a Teacher When...
1. You can make up toys and games on the spot, out of nothing, or out of anything.
2. You believe the government should administer intelligence tests before allowing reproduction.
3. You have programmed yourself to say sweetie or honey instead of ..@?!!*@?
4. You have graduate credits from 8 different universities (from all the conferences, workshops
and continuing education)
5. You have a hard time choosing a name for your child that doesn’t have negative associations.
6. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
7. You find humor in other people’s stupidity.
8. You want to slap the next person who says “Must be nice to work 8 to 3.”
9. You believe “Shallow gene pool” should have its own box in the report card.
10. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says “The kids sure are mellow
today.
11. You have no life between August and June.
12. When you mention “Vegetables” you’re not talking about a food group.
13. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
14. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
15. You believe in aerial Prozac spraying.
16. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
17. Meeting a child’s parent instantly answers the question “Why is this kid like this?”
18. You believe 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm.
19. You believe a good tape job will fix anything.
20. You have the bladder capacity of five normal people.
21. You can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio in parents.
22. Your idea of a good time is a parent showing up unannounced, especially when the parent
has a low tooth to tattoo ratio.
23. You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see.
24. When a parent asks to meet with you and presents with a list of medical problems for their child you automatically assume they’re crazy and their child is lazy.
25. Your idea of comforting a child is to place them in a papoose restraint.
26. Your diet often consists of food that has undergone more processing than most computers.
27. When a parent calls you a bastard, you take it as a compliment.
28. You believe that “Too Stupid to Live” should be a report card category.
29. You’ve had to leave a parent meeting before you began laughing uncontrollably.
2. You believe the government should administer intelligence tests before allowing reproduction.
3. You have programmed yourself to say sweetie or honey instead of ..@?!!*@?
4. You have graduate credits from 8 different universities (from all the conferences, workshops
and continuing education)
5. You have a hard time choosing a name for your child that doesn’t have negative associations.
6. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
7. You find humor in other people’s stupidity.
8. You want to slap the next person who says “Must be nice to work 8 to 3.”
9. You believe “Shallow gene pool” should have its own box in the report card.
10. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says “The kids sure are mellow
today.
11. You have no life between August and June.
12. When you mention “Vegetables” you’re not talking about a food group.
13. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
14. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
15. You believe in aerial Prozac spraying.
16. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
17. Meeting a child’s parent instantly answers the question “Why is this kid like this?”
18. You believe 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm.
19. You believe a good tape job will fix anything.
20. You have the bladder capacity of five normal people.
21. You can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio in parents.
22. Your idea of a good time is a parent showing up unannounced, especially when the parent
has a low tooth to tattoo ratio.
23. You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see.
24. When a parent asks to meet with you and presents with a list of medical problems for their child you automatically assume they’re crazy and their child is lazy.
25. Your idea of comforting a child is to place them in a papoose restraint.
26. Your diet often consists of food that has undergone more processing than most computers.
27. When a parent calls you a bastard, you take it as a compliment.
28. You believe that “Too Stupid to Live” should be a report card category.
29. You’ve had to leave a parent meeting before you began laughing uncontrollably.
School Answering Machine
I think I have worked with a number of students over the years whose parents like to press #6.
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection…"
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection…"
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work- Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To swear at staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap, or hit someone -Press 7
To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
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